Naked

1034

“My heart is a chamber of darkness
My voice echoes in fear
I have lost all hope but still I call you
Hear me and grant me reprieve
Summon me from the night
Give me life.”

Chapter 1

He was naked.

His hair was a bright auburn that tinged itself with blonde, his eyes were a milky swirl of silver and blue. His body was lean and unintimidating, dusted with fine blonde hair across his belly and his legs and between them in a concentration above his groin. His face was something like handsome, though there was an emptiness behind his eyes. He stared forward but he didn’t seem to exist at all.

It wasn’t me.

This person was not the embodiment of the voice in my mind, this person was not my soul personified. But it was my body. And it stared back at me from a reflection in glass, like a stranger meeting my gaze. I didn’t entirely believe the reflection, I was sure that I’d still never seen my own eyes.

Dim light at the edges of my vision swirled about behind the figure in the mirror. Fire was moving through the air. I could feel it prickling the inside my head, I could feel it breathing. Fire, individual flames moving through the air in a rhythmic dance, slowly, breathing, breathing, breathing.

I closed my eyes. I almost imagined there were lights dancing in the darkness of my eyelids. I could feel the light from each flame as it danced along the air in a current that swirled around my body. I reached out with some kind of limb I didn’t understand and snatched the flames from candles that were placed in a circle on the floor around me. Come up, join the others. I pulled the flames from the wicks and they kept burning. They kept breathing. The little flames joined the larger ones in the silent song the fire sang, and they grew, breathing, hotter, and hotter.

Footsteps clicked in the hallway.

The flames whisped out, not one by one, not unanimously, some dying faster, but they all fell into sparks and died in the air.

The door to my bedroom was opened.

“Good afternoon, Lord,” said a friendly and companionable voice. Trust him not to knock before he enters. “I’d advise against standing about in the darkness without any clothes on, it’s unbecoming of royalty.”

The young man to whom the voice belonged strolled easily past me and pulled open two huge, thick velvet drapes, and sunlight burst hungrily across the floor and onto every surface of my room, and flooded my eyes, so that I saw a glimpse of the boy of with the light brown hair illuminated so brightly he seemed to change, and just as my eyes closed I could almost swear I saw someone else in his place, but I couldn’t place it, and my eyes were stinging, and the thought was lost.

“Honestly, you’d think you might remember you have a schedule,” said the young man impatiently, ruffling the drapes and smoothing them before turning and marching across the room to shut my door behind himself. “I leave you alone for one morning and you start having séances in the middle of the afternoon.”

I sighed and shook my head, “Eric, you know I can’t handle doing anything royal without you,” I said.

“That’s all very well,” he replied in a tone of trained annoyance that bordered between that of a disrespectful child and an overbearing mother, while strolling over to the drapes and unlocking the window latch, “But I’ve been your attache for two years and you’ve still to learn a thing about acting like an adult.” He whipped the window open and a chill that was not the breath of winter but not quite the sigh of spring whistled in and caught my bare legs, causing me to shiver and cross my arms in something like embarrassment.

Eric was already flinging open my wardrobe and grabbing undergarments, tossing them lazily on the bed behind him, though they landed in perfect order. I glanced below myself at the ring of burned out candles. The wicks weren’t black, still white. The fire had barely touched them. I wondered for a moment what Eric thought I was doing, he was too smart not to guess something.

But then, you don’t often guess that your master can wield fire with his mind. And if you do guess it, you probably don’t ask questions.

I sauntered over to my bed, which Eric suddenly noticed was completely unmade and almost rolled his eyes as he went to tuck the duvet back into the corners of the mattress. “One day you will learn to be something like self-sufficient,” he said in that same parental tone.

I realized that I was chuckling softly, standing there naked and looking like a fool, while Eric ran around behind me cleaning up my messes. He’d already managed to lay out my day’s attire on the bed and swept behind me to grab the candles from the floor. “But I can always rely on you, can’t I?” I asked.

“For a time,” said Eric, setting the candles down quickly and in neat order on a dressing table in the corner that I scarcely used for anything, “But you’re nineteen years old and you may be royalty, but you should still learn to take care of yourself. What will you do when I’m not around?”

“You’ll always be around,” I said defensively, grabbing a pair of short cotton briefs and slipping them up my legs.

“I wasn’t around until a couple of years ago,” he replied, “When the Chancellor appointed you a much smaller contingent of factotums,” Eric was already pulling a silk shirt over my head while he spoke, and I abliged him like a child who resented the act of being dressed, “Now I need you to try and act something near stately today, and tonight when we’re done with business you can pull off your dress clothes and roll around on the floor like a stubborn child.”

I giggled. I enjoyed Eric’s admonishment, because it was playful. He was incredibly skilled at his duty, he was loyal and trustworthy, and life had been a little easier to understand since he’s come into my life. His fingers worked at the buttons of a jacket he’d pulled onto me, and he clipped a green silk scarf onto the neck to trail behind me. “Do you have to add the scarf?” I asked.

“The accouterments of rank, lord,” he said kindly, “You’ll learn to live with it, one way or another.”

“You really do dote on me,” I said.

“And you dance upon my nerves, little princeling,” he said, “But I am older than you and you know to listen to your elders.”

“You are exactly seven years older than me, and as I see it you’re barely an adult yourself,” I replied.

He leaned in close to me and raised his eyebrows. “I set out my own undergarments in the morning, my lord,” he whispered, and he winked.

As breeches were hoisted upon my waist and a pair of stately black shining boots buckled and strapped at my feet, I stared back out the wide window that opened almost from floor to the grand tall ceiling of this vast chamber where I lived most of my time. I thought for a moment I could almost see something out there in the vast cloudless sky, like a small bird or maybe a large fairy tale pixie, but whatever I thought must have swam into the light of the sun because my eyes were stinging again and I looked away.

“Do try and behave yourself, Lord,” said Eric in a tone that sounded nervous, “And remember to rise when they say your full name and title.”

I rolled my eyes and announced it in a mock ceremonial voice, “Noble Heir to the Throne of Alexandria, fourteenth in the line of royalty since His Eminence King Hamlet, prince Lucas Ballanehim.”

“You’re the FIFTEENTH of the line since King Hamlet, Lord,” corrected Eric.

“Well I never met my father,” I said with an arrogant swivel of my head.

“And neither did I,” replied Eric, adjusting the belt about my waist and buckling it, “But I still know to stand when my name is called, and keep my mouth shut when appropriate. Learn from me.”

“Are you afraid I’ll get myself in trouble?” I asked

“I’m afraid you’ll get us all in trouble,” Eric said, and he almost yanked me forward and toward the door, “The conclave begins in less than an hour, so please, for me, practice being quiet while there’s still time.”

Animal Love

I found this video on YouTube of this 8th grade kid talking about his day at school and how he admires this gay couple at his school and about how hard it is to be gay when you’re in middle school. Well, some (presumable) adult was fucking picking on him and telling him that they raised their kids better and that he’s a queer and a dissapointment to his parents, and oh my god I flipped my shit. I’m so disgusted and appalled and sickened that a fucking grown-up would come on the internet and harass an eighth grade kid. It’s fucking disgusting, and it really makes me hate this fucking world we live in so much, and feel so sorry for the people who are brave enough to be themselves and even if they’re KIDS, they’re treated like shit for it.

THIS is why I can’t stand our culture. THIS is why I HATE Christianity. This is what’s fucking wrong with everything, these disgusting narrow-minded, backwards attitudes from people who are so insecure and small and weak that they have to pick on children and thrust beliefs that they don’t truly believe on to other people so that they can feel like they have some worth as a person, because they’re too afraid, due to their families, due to religion, and due to society, to look themselves in the mirror, and love themselves, and accept who they are.

~~

You know, I just want to say, it’s sad that Whitney Houston died. But I wish that every teenager and young adult who commuted suicide because they were hated and treated like shit for who they are received the same media attention. Because Whitney Houston caused her own death. She CHOSE to do drugs until it killed her. It’s sad, sure, but as important as Whitney Houston was to so many people, those gay kids who killed themselves were precious young human beings who didn’t even have the time to discover their talents and make a life for themselves, and they took their own lives because they were treated with anger and hatred over something that they HAD no choice in. Take stock: which death means what? No death is greater or less than another, nothing at all is greater or less than anything else with true things like this, like death. There are the deaths of these kids, children and young adults who never got to know who they are, and the death of a person who chose continually to do drugs until it killed them. A hundred deaths are equal to one death in the eyes of love, and these people have moved forward into their next state of existence, but Whitney lived a life full of love and acceptance and privilege and chose to do the drugs that killed her; these kids suffered as children, before they ever had a chance to experience their lives, and they left in a state of love so bruised and hurt that it drowned in the pressures and hatred of a society of pressures and hatred. They were kids who loved. They were the ones who had it right. And now they’re gone. The world is filled with less love now that they’re gone. May they be treated with dignity, respect, and love in their next existence.

~~

Animals love. They only know love, and they only know how to love 100%, they are incapable of anything but true love that has no ideas and situations surrounding it. And that’s what makes animal cruelty so terrible, because they don’t stop loving when their beaten, they fear but they still love 100%. It’s just like with small children who are beaten and who are abused; and as we grow older we forget that perfect love with which we began and cling to these concepts of “God” and “Heaven” as a means to try and get it back. Well it hasn’t gone anywhere, it’s still inside of us. And if we could just achieve the peace of mind and heart that an animal feels, we could be perfect again. We wouldn’t need to worry about a “Heaven,” and people wouldn’t spend their entire fucking LIVES WAITING for something to happen after it, they wouldn’t need to do that because if we would use the beautiful and powerful evolutionary gifts of intelligence to connect the mind and the heart, we could achieve animal peace, and we could achieve 100% love for ourselves and one another, and we could live in happiness. And I mean ACTUAL happiness. True emotion, and true living, without concepts, without things, without gods, without ideas, just love.

This idea people have of Heaven, well that’s what it is. Being connected eternally with the perfect love that is already inside of us. And the thing is, it’s SO possible for humanity to reach that state. It genuinely is, and people think that this sounds like a silly hippy dream but it’s NOT, it’s very real, and if we would drop concepts and start looking within ourselves and undoing the damage that has been done by this thing called civilization, and go back to the animal love and the state of peace we were designed in this planet to be, we would fit, we would make sense, and we would have love, and all meaning in this world would be gained, and we wouldn’t have to think about gods and heavens. We HAVE these things inside of us, and so many people choose to believe that it’s all on the “other side,” well it’s NOT on the other side, it’s here, love is here, and perfection is here, and it can be acheived, and EVERYONE WANTS THIS! That’s the thing, everyone wants it, and no one is willing to accept it, and to accept the gift of love that is already within ourselves. We may not get it perfectly right, and the next generation may not get it perfectly right, and 40 generations may not get it perfectly right, but one day we can and I hope that we will erase the damage that concepts and that religion and that ideas have done to this planet and this race of beautiful animals called humans.

Because this way of living is going to end at some point. Either with us using these powerful, beautiful minds to come together and to become one with the earth and with one another and with this environment that is truly ours, and to forget about the concepts of what lies up in the stars in “Heaven,” but connect with what we fear, “hell,” that truth which lies deep within the earth, we can find love and peace again. And if we choose not to do this, then we’re all going to kill each other with weapons and violence and reduce this race to nearly nothingness, and it’s all going to start over again, and the millions of years we’ve been evolving will not have taught us anything and we will not have reached the animal loving state, and the next humans will go through all that we’ve gone through and it will take them a long time to find that path to love, and we shouldn’t waste what we have now.

~~

Love is essentially the life force. It’s the word we’ve come to use for it. It should not be confused with affection, love is the life force. We feel the life force, and we have called the feelings that fill us love, but no, love is the life force. We are still connected to it as we have always been. Love can make us free. Love can bring us truly forth, love can summon us from hiding, love can live in us, and all can be true, and real, and worthy, and true.

We can be, as we have always had the choice and the ability and the love inside of us to be, alive.

It’s sad that we’re born in love and we spend the many years we have becoming more stressed, falling further away from that love, desperately crying for it, but never loving ourselves, never reaching inside and finding that pure, original love, and leaving this world the way we came in: love. We are love. We are born in love. We must move on in love. It is the life force. We must come closer to it, reach it and be love, because we are love.