Begin to Hope

Today I laid in bed, exhausted, sad, and feeling so alone. I wanted to talk to someone, but I didn’t have it in me to call anyone. I couldn’t hold up a conversation. All I wanted was someone to put their arms around me and hold me close and whisper to me that they loved me. I don’t care how it sound, it’s all I want. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. Yet night after night, I am alone.

This blog has become a sad place, because I have become a sad person. I think that maybe I always have been. The earliest posts here are riddled with false optimism. I don’t believe in anything when I’m here, in this house. I need to be away from here, so that I can be alive. This house and these people just suck the energy out of me. “Some give blood, I give love.” Loving these people is the only way I can reclaim any power.

I want to live, surrounded by people smiling, and have friends whose laps I can lay my head on and take a nap. I want to lay in someone’s lap and have them absently pet my hair while they’re talking to everyone else in the room. We’re in a hotel room, following Tori Amos or Regina Spektor or someone who touches us on tour, going to every show and experiencing life.

I want to laugh again. I want to have friends and laugh with them. I want to enjoy living. I do not enjoy living here. Irresponsible as it is, I’m considering running away. It is conceivable that in the near future I might have a place to stay with someone Buffalo, NY. I could go if I really, really wanted to. I’d be on my own, no safety nets, no guarantee of food every day, but I’d be happy again, just like I was in South Carolina. I was right when I told my mother, “I’d rather be poor and happy than miserable and provided for.” Because I WAS poor and happy. I was very hungry. I was scared. But I was happy. And I want to go out into the world and be happy.

I can’t stay with my mother any longer. She will drain the life and the will out of me, she’s a vampire and that’s what she does. I have to go. I want to go. I just don’t know if, when the opportunity arrives, I can take it. But I’m legal. I can do everything for myself, if only I have the desire to do it. And you know what? I’m really thinking about doing it.

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When You Gonna Love You As Much As I Do?

I’m not sure exactly how I’m feeling right now. I’m calm for perhaps the first time in a week, and maybe hopeful for the first time in years. I’ve found a place to stay. I brought one of my friends up to speed on what’s been going on with me, hoping I could stay with her for a while, and she told her aunt, who happens to be gay and married. Both of her aunts got in touch with me, and we talked on the phone and they’re both really excited for me to come and stay with them. They seem really happy to be there for me. They seem like good people. I think we’re going to get along very well.

It’s near. I don’t have to move to California. I don’t have to go to Tennesse or Virginia. I’m safe. I’m home. I don’t have to leave.

I have a home to go to.

After years of lonely dreaming, I’m finally free. I’m free of my mother, with a place to go. With supportive, loving people. I’m a little in shock with relief. I actually don’t know what else to say, really.

I hope this will be the beginning of a new, and much better chapter for me.

Growing Up? Part 2

I’m terrified.

I haven’t posted anything about my life here in a bit. Well, things have gone crazy.

The tension between my mother and myself, which has been building for years, finally came to a boiling point, and while it wasn’t necessarily the worst we’ve ever fought, I was asked to leave and I finally have. I’m currently staying at Nathan (my ex-boyfriend and one of my best friends)’s house. I have exactly one cent in the bank. All of my posessions have been packed into two boxes, and my possessions are almost entirely comprised of CDs and books. I still have to sort through my four trash bags full of clothes, linens and such, and decide what’s going with me, and what I can cram into a duffle bag.

Because I’m moving. At first, it seemed likely that I would be moving to Asheville, NC, which is a couple of hours away, the gay mecha of North Carolina, home of hippies, spiritualists and the like, and I even have a very good friend there. That plan got derailed, and now I’m going to moving away from North Carolina. Very far. Exactly as far as one could go while on this continent, in fact.

California.

I’m petrified. A guy named Doug, a new friend and potential love interest, is doing the inconceivably wonderful deed of taking me with him to California, to live with one of his cousins. We leave at the first of the month, I’m going to meet him in Tennesse, and we’re going to ride on a bus 3 or 4 days to get to Apple Valley, California. Doug and I have gotten pretty close very quickly, and while he seems to be a bit on edge lately, I think things might go swimmingly between the two of us. In fact, I feel like this is the Universe finally giving me a way out of the way things have been, and that this is my one good chance at growing up and becoming an adult, without being in a dire situation.

On one level, I’m more excited than I’ve ever been. Just writing this is helping me to calm down some. Doug is a good guy, and while yes, we’ve known one another for two weeks, and yes, I’ve never met him in person, I’m not really worried about those things. In the case that we don’t work out romantically, there’s no reason we wouldn’t stay friends and roommates, and he’s told me that if I decided I wanted to come back to North Carolina, he’d let me stay with him until I get the money to come back home.

This is exactly the kind of adventure I’ve always wanted, but I’m terrified. It’s California, it’s a place where I can genuinely pursue being an artist. I intend to go to school, to have my own life, but I’m scared, and deeply sad.

I’m sad because I’m leaving Nathan. We broke up almost four months ago, but this means that I’m leaving him. Even broken up, we’ve only been 15 minutes up the road from one another. We’ve still remained friends and spent time together. We’ve even had a few booty calls. This means that I’m leaving everything from North Carolina behind, and the thing I regret leaving the most is my relationship with Nathan.

I haven’t moved on yet, not entirely. Nathan and I were together for nearly two years. You can’t forget about that overnight. Being here with him, I realize what I gave up, and I’m feeling so many emotions right now.

But as of now, I remain cautiously resolute. I’m going to California. I think the Goddess, or whoever is looking out for me, is handing me a golden oppurtunity to finally begin to LIVE my life. And I have to take it. If I don’t, my fate is to stay here in Charlotte and maybe try and find a temporary home and the gay and lesbian youth center, and try to go from there. While I admit that idea sounds very appealing in the face of a big move like this, I still think this is what I should do, I should go to California. After all, it makes for quite a story. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to end up homeless or dead because of it, and I suppose coming back is always a last resort, despite being an expensive one.

I don’t know that I’ll miss my mother, as much I’ll be uncomfortable not having her financial support. But that’ll be okay. As for my sister, I think out of the people in my family, she’ll be the one I miss. I would include my brother as well, but he’s been in Ohio for two years already.

Right now I’m just trying to find some way to climb of the depression that the anxiety of this situation is heaving on me. The plans as of now are thus: get packed, get my health insurance/medicine situation worked out, go to Tennesse and spend a few days with Doug before we leave on the first of February, that way I’ll get to meet him and spend some time with him before the move. And then, if all goes well, I’ll go to California. I’ll start my new life. I will be Jesse Colton. I’ll be the boy with a dream. I’ll make my own life.

Luckily, most of my friends are scattered across the country and live hundreds of miles away anyway. Most are on the east coast though. Where is Missouri? Is that anywhere near the east coast? Ah well, Zach’s somewhere, I’m sure I’ll meet him in person eventually.

But sticking to the point! I’ll finally have something to chronicle, and actually have something to journal about. Cross-country road to trip with my new beau? I smell a campy gay fiction novel already.

But in all seriousness: I’m terrified. In a way, I feel more alone than I ever have. But I also believe that maybe what I’ve been waiting for my whole life awaits me in California.

Maybe, it’s finally time for me to grow up.