Put Your Paws Up

So I’ve moved back into my mom’s house and I’ve been here for about a week so far. Today is my 21st birthday and I’m feeling pretty low. That’s mainly because my mom is now back on the Christian train. Right now, I don’t have the energy to attack Christianity the way it’s attacked me and anyone else who has the courage to embrace who they are.

But in a rare act of serendipity, Lady Gaga’s new album, Born This Way, is released today, May 23, my 21st birthday. I’ve known this for a while, but it wasn’t until just now that I realized that I think the universe set this all up just for me.  I think the universe brought me back here to experience what I have in the past week, like having my 9-year old little sister tell me that I’m wrong for “choosing” to be gay, hearing my mother say that we’re not allowed to say the word “transgender” around my sister, and that I can’t talk about my sexuality because it would be detrimental to her.

This has been a heatbreaking experience for me, more so than it ever has before, because for the last few months I’ve been away from my mother, and I’ve been surrounded by acceptance and freedom, but now more than ever, this place has become a breeding ground of resentment and hatred. I’m not even mad. I’m just… sad. I’m truly sad, because my mother, who has within her the chance to be an incredible person, because she’s filled with love and compassion, is allowing herself to become a part of something that oppresses and hurts people, like me, her own son. I don’t hate her anymore. I feel sorry for her, because she can’t love herself enough to find happiness and peace within, but looks to some idea of a god in the sky to validate her. She believes these silly, fairytale lies, and she thinks she’s happy.

But she’ll never know for one moment the fulfillment that I have in being free, and loving who I am. She’ll never know what it’s like to embrace yourself, every part of yourself, all of the sticky, gooey, hot, dark, dirty, smelly places within yourself where your anger and your fear and your love and your compassion all exist, and you accept them all, because they’re all good, and they all of them make you whole.

And so, the Universe set this all up, not just for me, but for everyone who is surrounded by people trying to throw shame on them. Today, I embrace who I am, I put my paws up and I proudly declare, I was born this way baby. I’m sad, but that’s okay. I love myself. And I know that I experience life on a level she doesn’t, every day, because I love myself.

I still have resentment in me. I have a lot of resentment in me. That’s okay. I think I’m starting to understand that a large part of my resentment is just sadness. Sadness that I’ve been treated wrongly for who I am, and sadness that so many people have been pushed beyond what they can humanly abide, because the people around them wouldn’t accept them who they are. On this day, when I celebrate my life, I celebrate all of who I am.

I was Born This Way 🙂