No One’s Looking

I’m tired of watching good things happen to other people
I’m tired of standing outside the fence and watching the other kids play
My body is tired and my head hurts
Bumps are rising across my body and I’m tired of wanting, tired of trying, tired of waiting, tired of hoping
Sometimes I pretend that I stopped breathing for just a few seconds
No one’s looking

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words from the dark

words from the darkness
all in lower case
warm and sinking, deeper still
the warm and rotten place
the core, dirty, bleeding
the questions bouncing back off the walls
lay down, little one
be quiet now, and close your eyes
there aren’t any physical tears anymore
the rivers run over in the world’s inside
the fields that once were green now deep within the oceans
the plants have rotted through, drowned and soaked to death
if my eyes roll back
the dark comes again
and in it is peace
peace in acceptance
nothingness and oblivion
falling on and on until all existance is a part of nothingness
(there are too many mirrors
mirrors in people and in sand, telling me things that i can’t hear)
nobody and nobody and nobody
lay down now, stop eating
stop drinking, stop blinking, stop thinking
the end of all things, the beginning of nothing that stretches out into eternity
it’s like a fluid but it’s too soft to be, it’s black like thick honey
once it’s in a pool surrounded by cement but to touch it is to fall into it
this embrace, the embrace of the acceptance of fear and of death
death smiles, he welcomes
i don’t fear him, he speaks to me and his voice must sound terrifying but it isn’t like that
the devil is real and is all those things they said he was
but he’s living too, he understands love
no one knows love like those deep in the darkness
my residence here is temporary, everyone here knows it
the ghosts walk by and pat my head, “poor little one,” they say
“he’ll leave soon,” some smile as they reply, and they walk on
he
boys and boys and boys
can i swim up?
can i climb up?
i haven’t decided yet
let me sleep a little longer, i’m not ready for school
i have more to learn
more to find on the edge of death
behind these bright eyes is a darkness
these sockets are empty
this body is hollow
this spirit is gone and hasn’t returned yet
blood everywhere, and skin that’s ripped
ugliness and horror, screams
invite them in
whispers of darkness
pain and horror and fear don’t actually hurt
they can feel good if you love them in the eye
the sound here is like a womb
is it the womb of the earth?
the womb of the soul?
fluids are everywhere
what is solid is liquid here
can I say it? can I ask it?
can I ask you to sing for me?
can I ask you to touch my skin, with no meaning? just my friend?
can I ask you to be a lover that doesn’t care?
i’ve had enough
enough of the world above
but i don’t want to stay here
i don’t actually want to die
death knows this, he is sympathtic
he asks me when i’ll be going back
i don’t know what to say to him
disfigurement and horror dreams live here, demons possessing me and us all
but so warm, so thick, so simple
the glass up there is fragile
i waved goodbye to them and tried to go up but i fell again
always falling, he fell from heaven
cast out
cast
cast
cast

Alone

Didn’t know I could just not matter

Didn’t know but I should have known better
Don’t go.
Please, not yet.
I don’t care if you’re taking advantage of me
I just want to pretend for a moment that you love me
I’ll never have someone like you
So the best I can do is live in a fantasy
Just stay, for a few moments, with me
Let me see your eyes
Use me however you need
I just need you, now
I need you within me, I need you holding me
I need your smile, your coy demeanor
How harsh is your spirit but how soft are your words
How gentle is your body and how loving you can be
Don’t walk down the road at night
I want to hold you
You didn’t let me give you one more kiss
I probably won’t hear from you again
But in one night I fell in love with you