Trumpet Sounds

When my hands are shaking
And I can’t stand
I feel your breath in my ear
Even though you’ve never seen me
I wish that I was where you are
But time and distance are cruel
And in this connected world
We are as Victorian as ever
I have no horse to mount
No boots to strap on
I have no road to travel
And no hope to carry me forward
I have no dream of my lover’s lips to propel me
And no reason for staying where I am
I’d like to run away but where would I go?
I’d rather live in darkness than be alone in light



As of this moment
I have nothing else to say
My words can only hurt
No matter how I try
My voice is one of anger
My words are biting swords
So take my tongue away for now
I don’t need it anymore
I’m done talking
Done singing
Done trying to make anyone understand
Done caring
Done reasoning
Done with being who I am
As of this moment
I become silent
No more wishes or songs or caring or trying or believing
I’m through, finished and defeated
I’ve said my peace and now I’m done
And if anyone asks for me just tell tell them
I don’t remember, he was no one
He was no one
Done with believing in a future where my dreams come true
Done wanting better for myself than what my mother did
Done trying to be someone worth remembering
And done feeling special like I always have
Done remembering my first love
Tired of fighting to wake up every day
Done believing in a family beyond my walls
Tired of making up stories about how life could be
It’s time I knew my place
It’s time I shut my mouth
It’s time I sit down in the corner
It’s time I took off the hat
It’s time I sat silent
It’s time I resigned
I’m so tired in so many ways
And this time, it’s time, I’m not fine
But I’m quiet
Done taking
Through wishing
Done hoping
Done trying
I’m finished

No One’s Looking

I’m tired of watching good things happen to other people
I’m tired of standing outside the fence and watching the other kids play
My body is tired and my head hurts
Bumps are rising across my body and I’m tired of wanting, tired of trying, tired of waiting, tired of hoping
Sometimes I pretend that I stopped breathing for just a few seconds
No one’s looking

words from the dark

words from the darkness
all in lower case
warm and sinking, deeper still
the warm and rotten place
the core, dirty, bleeding
the questions bouncing back off the walls
lay down, little one
be quiet now, and close your eyes
there aren’t any physical tears anymore
the rivers run over in the world’s inside
the fields that once were green now deep within the oceans
the plants have rotted through, drowned and soaked to death
if my eyes roll back
the dark comes again
and in it is peace
peace in acceptance
nothingness and oblivion
falling on and on until all existance is a part of nothingness
(there are too many mirrors
mirrors in people and in sand, telling me things that i can’t hear)
nobody and nobody and nobody
lay down now, stop eating
stop drinking, stop blinking, stop thinking
the end of all things, the beginning of nothing that stretches out into eternity
it’s like a fluid but it’s too soft to be, it’s black like thick honey
once it’s in a pool surrounded by cement but to touch it is to fall into it
this embrace, the embrace of the acceptance of fear and of death
death smiles, he welcomes
i don’t fear him, he speaks to me and his voice must sound terrifying but it isn’t like that
the devil is real and is all those things they said he was
but he’s living too, he understands love
no one knows love like those deep in the darkness
my residence here is temporary, everyone here knows it
the ghosts walk by and pat my head, “poor little one,” they say
“he’ll leave soon,” some smile as they reply, and they walk on
boys and boys and boys
can i swim up?
can i climb up?
i haven’t decided yet
let me sleep a little longer, i’m not ready for school
i have more to learn
more to find on the edge of death
behind these bright eyes is a darkness
these sockets are empty
this body is hollow
this spirit is gone and hasn’t returned yet
blood everywhere, and skin that’s ripped
ugliness and horror, screams
invite them in
whispers of darkness
pain and horror and fear don’t actually hurt
they can feel good if you love them in the eye
the sound here is like a womb
is it the womb of the earth?
the womb of the soul?
fluids are everywhere
what is solid is liquid here
can I say it? can I ask it?
can I ask you to sing for me?
can I ask you to touch my skin, with no meaning? just my friend?
can I ask you to be a lover that doesn’t care?
i’ve had enough
enough of the world above
but i don’t want to stay here
i don’t actually want to die
death knows this, he is sympathtic
he asks me when i’ll be going back
i don’t know what to say to him
disfigurement and horror dreams live here, demons possessing me and us all
but so warm, so thick, so simple
the glass up there is fragile
i waved goodbye to them and tried to go up but i fell again
always falling, he fell from heaven
cast out