#118: No Way To Live

job

Waking up every day and going to a job you hate, counting the hours until you can go home and crawl back in bed, the only place you feel safe… That’s no way to live.

I’m not angry. Im really not. I’m actually not upset either, and I’m not devoid of emotion. I’m calm. It’s actually a very nice feeling and I don’t mean it in a sarcastic way. I’m calm, I think I’ve accepted that this is just how things are right now.

I’m not going to the brink of despair today because I simply refuse to do it. My acid reflux manifested itself as chest pains, throbbing pains like a heartbeat that shot through my chest and up into my head. Momentary pain. It was uncomfortable. I didnt panic though. I knew it was acid reflux and so I decided to just keep walking. After a few minutes it did go away.

I’m very quiet today. Usually I talk a lot, to customers and other people i pass, and I sing to myself under my breath. Today I’m quiet. I’m really much more productive that way.it helps me feel calm and centered, too.

I don’t want to be here. I’ve accepted that this is where I am and i can’t change it today. Maybe tomorrow, I don’t know. But I know that I don’t want to be here. I’m tired of these jobs out in the open, walking around and smiling at people. This is not the worst job I’ve had by a long shot. In a way i don’t even dislike it that much, its alright for what it is.

I know I cant be a writer overnight. But there are jobs, even menial jobs, that I’m much better suited to. Id love to work in data entry. Just empty out my brain and type, sit at a desk during the day, decorate my desk with little trinkets, have a cup of coffee with me. Some people consider that hell. I think I could do just fine there. Especially if I can listen to music, or podcasts, or audiobooks, while I’m working. Any job where I can read or listen to something is a winner.

I miss my job at Avalanche. I didn’t know how good I had it. I’d still like to go back. They probably won’t ever return my calls, but I do wish I could do things over again, and I wish I could avoid causing Robert and Zack so much worry, so much anxiety. I wish I could try again at the office job thing. I know the hours were long, and honestly my hours at this job are easier. But still, I just wish I could try again.

There are so many desk jobs in the world. If I try hard enough, it shouldn’t be too difficult to get one, without a degree, right? Maybe Information Technology? They train you on the job, I think. I don’t know. I’m calm. I’m okay. Ill make it through tonight. But I don’t want to be here.

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