Mother

I haven’t heard your voice in days and weeks
I’ve been away from your touch
I’ve been away from the body who held me in warmth as I grew
And yet still you reside within me
At night I dream of your voice
Your words and my tears
And I still hate you
And I still can’t call you a mother
And I hate to know your body was once my home
And I hate to know my spirit was so close to yours
To think that some of your poison may have dripped upon my fetal frame
That the malice of my father and the madness of my mother
And the hatred that they bore for themselves and one another
Could touch me as it did
I feel so unclean
Abhor you
Deny you
Abort you
I cannot face you, as one does not face that from which he runs
I cannot hear your voice in my mind without the familiar revulsion
That I sat so close to you
That I breathed next to you
That I slept upon your breast when once I was a child
That I kissed you
That I trusted you
Still I feel your cutting
Still I feel your screams
I feel when you touch me
I feel when you kill me
I feel when you die and kill me too
I feel when you hate those parts of me which are not myself
When you hate him, when he hates you, when you lash
Your barbs are melting steel
Hot, soon to be defeated
And impossible to forget
My body is a scar now
My mind is a wound
You’ve penetrated me as once my father penetrated you
I grew within a womb that knows no love for itself
I came forth into a world diseased and unripened
A world without enough colours
I stand at the edges of the borders of the world you brought me into
And wonder who it was that lived within there
I feel like a reincarnation
But the hatred from my past life stays within me still
And I’ll not let myself forgive you
They say that hatred only hurts you
And it hurts to hate you
You’ve taught me that it hurts worse to love you
I can’t forgive you, I can’t
I hold through gritted teeth the vow to hate you forever
I loathe the mother that birthed me
I loathe the woman who taught me
I loathe the person who hurt me
Even if it kills me I will hate you forever
That is the curse you’ve left me with
If I could love you again I might be free
But I could not let you have the satisfaction
The hatred you planted in me is eating me alive
Even from afar, you’re killing me

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