#93: Journaling

Today was supposed to be productive. It was not.

I was supposed to be looking for jobs, exercising, writing in my novel, and maybe going to see a friend. Instead I got out of bed in the afternoon, forgot to take my anti-depressants, and sat on my ass in the living room playing video games and watching movies. Then someone said they were coming to see me but had to make it later, so I got all dressed up to go and surprise him, but I searched the whole goddamn house and couldn’t find my keys or my wallet. Eventually I found my keys but the wallet’s still nowhere to be found.

On top of that I don’t have the money for my rent, nor to pay my car insurance, also my car insurance has been cancelled so I’ll have to pay a fee to reinstate it, and once again I have three quarters to my name. In my house are two cans of soup, a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter, a box of ramen, and a frozen pack of hot dogs. Also two cans of alfredo sauce. Apart from that, nothing. Maybe some canned green beans or what have you. I also don’t have the money to fill the prescription my doctor gave me for diet pills to help me lose weight, all of my laundry is dirty and I don’t have any detergent to wash it with, I’m out of toilet paper and can’t even afford to buy any, I also can’t technically drive anywhere because my car has no insurance on it. My mother fired me from working for her for the third time the other day, but then today was all apologetic and said I could work for her again, but she pays me less than a hundred dollars a week.

My friends have been busy but I’ve emailed my best friend three times and haven’t gotten a response from her in a week, I’m still dealing with Dustin’s death, one of my friends who was supposed to hang out with me was M.I.A. today after cancelling on me three times, a boy came over last night and we fooled around but odds are I’ll probably never see him again, because that’s what happens when guys come over and fool around with me. The one guy who does like me is someone I don’t have the same feelings for and can’t commit to, I haven’t been able to write in my novel for almost a month, I have no money, no job prospects, the last place I interviewed at gave me a run around for a month and then finally said they wouldn’t hire me.

I haven’t taken my meds properly today so all of this is just hitting me over the head all at once and I’m losing my ability to cope with it all. I’m so hungry. I’m so desperate. I want food, I want to live. I’m stuck. I’m going nowhere. I’m unhappy. God I’m so unhappy.

I’m so unhappy.

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