#90: December: An Update On Life

I. The End of A Relationship

We were together for two and a half years. We met shortly before I turned twenty-two, and began our relationship in April. It was confusing for me from the beginning: I didn’t know what I wanted, yet I liked him, but it didn’t feel completely right and I wasn’t sure it was the best thing to do, despite the fact that he seemed to have so many qualities I wanted. We got along and connected great, but something seemed to be missing. Still, being apart from him broke my heart, so I kept coming back to see him, and finally he asked me to take a chance on him and I did. We were together for two and a half years. He became my lifeline and my support, and I leaned on him much more than I should have. We loved one another, but there were always things missing: passion, for one. He wasn’t the passionate person I was, he didn’t want to make love, he was primarily focused on his interests, particularly the world of video games. I got back into video games because of him, and spent the time filling the emotional void of being ignored by him with video games, because I could share what I’d done playing video games with him and have his attention. We also listened to music while driving around, and this too was an area where I could hold his attention if I liked the same music he did, so I invested my energy in that. Still, things were never right from the beginning, I was always forcing myself on some level to be there, it didn’t flow naturally. I loved him, and he loved me, but I knew something was wrong because my creativity was vanishing. The desire to write, to compose and play music, wasn’t as strong anymore, I was stifling myself. It’s a reaction that I’ve learned means I’m suffocating myself and not being free. I was trapped in that relationship, and when we began to become physically, verbally and emotionally abusive to one another, things only became worse. We fought every day. I began to fear him, fear his reactions to what I was doing, what I was interested in, how I was spending money, who I was speaking to. I gave myself up, as I so often have in past relationships.

So I ended it. He went home to his family, hundreds of miles away from me. And now I am here on my own. The last two months without him have been filled with trials. First was the loneliness, the sadness that he was gone, missing his lips, his warm body, his sweetness and his love. I missed his voice in my ear, laying my head on his chest at night, his gentle fingers touching my back and my naked body, his kisses as he became horny and made love to me. I missed everything, but mostly his voice. Everything seemed so quiet. And more than that, the world seemed empty. It was as though a color had vanished from the spectrum, and the entire world was still there, only something implacable had vanished and no one could see it, and even I couldn’t entirely discern what was different. But I knew he was gone, and that he would no longer be a part of my world. The healing process is, I’m sure, still going on. I’ve just today come to the realization that I’m not ready to try and love again. It makes me feel calm to know that.

II. Creating Words and Music

I’ve been working for four months on my first novel, which has a variety of possible titles: Faerie Tale and The Fairy’s Awakening are two. I’m about fourt-two thousand words into the story, and I’m incredibly proud of what I’ve achieved so far, even though I can already see what a jumbled mess the story is, but it makes me happy because I know where it’s going. Today I made a key decision about the environment of the story, and recently I made another decision about certain characters that greatly changed the mythology. I’m enjoying getting to know this world, and really seeing it flourish and blossom in my mind as I try to put it all down on paper.

I’ve also been working on music. I’ve composed a new song, as well as compiled and written lyrics for it, and I have an outline of what I want my album to look like. Many songs have music, or at least an idea of music, and some others do not, but I’m hoping to work forward. I recently discovered a cafe that has a piano that anyone can play, and I may go in there some time and play their piano, perhaps singing as well, and record myself. I don’t think I would particularly mind the atmosphere of the cafe in the background. I’m going to post a tentative track listing now of all the songs I plan to work on and complete. Normally I gravitate toward twelve-track albums, but all of the songs together make about eighteen tracks, and this is just a possible outline of what the album might look like.

[My Album]

1. I Don’t Want To Be Your Boyfriend

2. Kiss Me Back

3. Storm

4. The Day I Met God

5. Tell Jeremy I’m Sorry

6. Hate Crime

7. Bridges In The Air

8. Megan

9. Summer

10. Trevor

11. Not My Lover

12. Water Song

13. Suicide Song

14. If I Were A Girl

15. Vincent

16. Colton

17. Snow

18. Cow’s Milk

A possible title for the album is “Sex With Benefits.” I’m also toying with something along the lines of “Fields of Water.”

III. My Introduction to Tarot

I went on a date a few weeks ago with a very handsome boy who, I discovered, didn’t actually consider it a “date,” and more of hanging out as friends, as he was already talking to someone he was interested in, and he told me about that later. During the time we did spend talking, he did a tarot reading for me (the main message that I remember was that there will be a time of great darkness and tribulation, but an incredible opportunity is ahead of me soon, and also that I will hit rock bottom, and then become strong and make my way through the darkness to light), and also came over to my house and talked to me for a while. I cried, talked to him about my life, and he gave me a hug which meant a lot to me. Then he pulled me onto the bed and cuddled with me for a bit, and when I gave him a kiss on his cheek, things became sexual, and he made love to me (yes, I know I keep saying “made love” a lot in this entry as opposed to what I normally say, which is “fucking”). It was a very intense experience, I enjoyed his attention as well as his dominance, and though it isn’t the safest thing in the world, I let him spill his passion inside me and actually I kept it there for a long time, feeling the warmth of his seed filling me up. I know that isn’t very smart or safe, but I did it and it was a good experience, even if it wasn’t a responsible thing to do.

At any rate, after our visit I started to think about tarot. Eventually I began researching tarot decks, and ultimately went to the bookstore to see what called out to me. The deck that immediately called out to me was the Gilded Deck, which happened to be the same one he used in our reading. I was a little trepidatious about using the same deck as him but it was calling out to me, so when I returned to the bookstore, I was caught between the Gilded Deck and another called the Shadowscapes Tarot. I went with the Gilded Deck and this morning when I went to open it, I stopped, and decided to look at the card of the Shadowscapes as well as the Gilded Deck online, and I realized I really wanted the Shadowscapes deck. So I anxiously waited for the bookstore to open, when back and got the deck I wanted. I opened it in the car and read a little, and then brought it home and began my journey with it.

This deck is absolutely beautiful and breathtaking, the art is fantastic and filled with meaning and beauty. Darkness is something I’m very attracted to, and the violet watercolor theme of these cards captures both light and darkness, mourning and hope. It’s definitely the deck for me, and I’m so happy to have found it. I did an exercise that the book suggested, which was to close my eyes and choose a card at random. I did, and then recorded my thoughts (before looking up the meaning of the card) in a journal, which I’ll transcribe here on the blog in a moment and post on it’s own, along with an image of the card, which was, by the way for anyone who might be interested, the Eight of Swords. These cards did another very important thing as well: they inspired an important aspect of my novel, which I’m currently referring to as Faerie Tale.

The biggest problem I keep having with Faerie Tale is that the environment is bland. The first book is all about getting to a place called Eden, which is colorful and abundant and teeming with life, but the place where we begin (I sometimes call it Alma, it’s essentially Earth) has so far been bland, a shell of a former world, decaying and ugly. But I don’t like it. It’s difficult for me to describe something like that and make it compelling. The complexity of these watercolor paintings and images gave me such inspiration, I know now that the world of Faerie Tale is going to be filled with these soft colors, with beautiful and strange creatures, and that this world is going to expand to be something I never expected it to be. I’m very hopeful about the direction the book is going to take now.

And that’s about it, really. There have been other developments, there has been suffering and upset, as well as joy and hope, but for the most part, that’s an update on how things are going in my life right now.

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