14

14

I’m 14 years old and I’m standing in my bedroom. Alone
It’s way past midnight the blinds are closed
The TV’s playing some sitcom so I can hear voices and feel like I’m not alone
The computer’s on but there’s no internet
I write my stories and pretend that I’m with other people
But I’m tired, my brain is getting foggy
Into the mattress, jerk off and fall asleep. Alone

I’m 17 years old and I just got a camera
I’m taking photos of myself in the rain, the dog, my collection of things
I’m sending messages on the internet, making friends hundreds of miles away
Engaged to a boy I’ve known for a week through instant messenger
Reading vampire books on the couch in my bedroom
But still I’m alone

I’m 18 years old and I just lost my virginity
He’s holding me in his arms and I’ve only known him for twenty minutes now
There’s something inside me, a chasm forming
I should be happy right now but instead I feel like I’m about to die
I feel like I have died and now I’m living some new existance
He takes me to his house, we fool around some more and I fall asleep
I wish I were happy now, but still I just feel fear and I’m alone again

I’m 20 years old now, we finally broke up
He was bad for me and he abused me for two years
I’m happy to have a world of possibilities, I’m playing piano and writing my thoughts down again
But then I’m standing in my bedroom and I’m 14 again
Jerk off and fall asleep alone

I’m 21 years old now, outside in a camper
The door has become revolving and boys come, even a girl
And in my little foam bed we come together
Then I meet a new boy who wants to give me everything
And I’m crying into his shirt because I can’t bare to be with anyone
I’m addicted to being alone, I can’t leave being alone, it’s inescapable

I’m 24 years old now, writing this song in the living room
The game is paused, my roommate just turned out her bedroom light, I saw from the door
My boyfriend fights with me every day, I try to forget and pretend we’re okay
He says I just haven’t taken my medicine right
But when I’m in bed beside him at night
I’m alone
14 again. Alone.
Groping, grasping, crying, screaming, lying, wanting, cheating
And alone.

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7 thoughts on “14

  1. We are born alone, we walk through life alone, and we’ll die alone. Any pretense otherwise is just wishful thinking. No one else can be in your head, inside your head is always alone. Introversion is not for the faint of heart.

    • Unfortunately nights like this, I can’t help but sink into the sadness a little. I’m an upbeat person but every now and then I have to have a visit with the darkness to keep me balanced, and I don’t seem to have much choice in the matter. Thank you for reading and for leaving a comment, I always appreciate that a lot.

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