Practical Advice From Me

Jesse’s guide to life:

1) Spend at least four hours a day playing video games, reading, or any other activity you enjoy that does nothing to help the world but only focuses on you.

2) Force yourself to do some physical activity. Take a walk as an excuse to listen to all those Dresden Dolls b-sides you spent three hours collecting but never listened to.

3) Outline your novel. Do not write it yet. Outline it again. Outline it again. Pray that someday soon you will actually begin writing it.

4) Remember that frequent masturbation breaks are key to peace of mind.

5) Keep trying to compose music for your songs, so that one day you can be an awesomely cool indie musician with tons of indie cred. It doesn’t matter that it’s taken you seven years to compose 20% of your first album, just keep going!

6) When your boyfriend is about 15 minutes from coming home from work, frantically scramble to clean the room, shove all the dirty laundry in the closet, throw food on the stove and look like you were just waiting for him to come home all day.


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