#79: If Vision is the Only Validation, Then Most of My Life Isn’t Real

Personal Things

It’s been an eventful couple of weeks for me, my whole life has kind of changed, which is good because to be quite honest everything has SUCKED since moving to Georgia. When I last posted, I hadn’t started my job at Pottery Barn yet. Well, I’m happy to say I’ve been working there for about two weeks now and I really enjoy it. It’s a wonderful job. I was incredibly nervous for my first couple of days, but I got the hang of retail quite easily. There’s a lot to know about the store, and you need to be prepared to answer people’s questions, but luckily we all have headsets and no one is opposed to me asking questions. Altogether, it’s been a very cool job so far, I work evenings and I go in in the afternoon, so I deal with a good bit of customers for the first few hours, and the last few hours I mostly spend doing odd tasks for the managers or whoever needs my help, restocking stuff, and dusting/cleaning a bit.

Since my position is seasonal, I’m trying to go above and beyond if I can, in the hopes of being kept on after the holidays. One of the ladies I work with is really nice to me and is always giving me jobs to do and answering questions for me, and she used to be a manager and she asked me the other day what my intentions were after January, and when I told her that I wanted to stay on with the company she said she’d already talked to them about keeping me on, which is awesome. This is the only job I’ve ever had that I’ve really enjoyed going to, and I feel like I’m doing very well so far. On Tuesday I set a couple of displays on my own, and got some compliments from my manager which was a great feeling. So basically, things are going really well on the job front.

I also finally, after 3 years of driving around with a learner’s permit, got my driver’s license. The DMV in town is one of those with a huge parking lot in the back, and the first section was all about parking, at which I did terrible and knocked over a record amount of traffic cones. However, I did perfect on the actual driving-around-on-the-road portion of my test, and now I’ve been driving myself to and from work every day for the last week or so.

Oh, did I also mention that I’m driving to and from work in my own vehicle? My stepfather basically gave me this truck he’s had for a while, it’s now in my name and I’m insured, and I got tags for the vehicle and everything. So, between my own vehicle, my own insurance, my own license, and my own job, I’m feeling really grown up. Normally I would freak out and shrink and be afraid of all these changes, but it’s really not scaring me all that much. I’ve had some moments, like when I had my first midnight Walmart run all on my own the other night, and once I got to the stoplight at the nearly abandoned four-way stop I got so nervous that I felt like I was having an anxiety attack, but it wasn’t like my normal anxiety attacks, it was ACTUAL fear and anxiety, and once I got through the light it was pretty much alleviated.

In fact, that’s the way everything’s been going lately. Since I started having these issues with panic attacks, I find myself in everyday situations that I can’t handle, and ruin everything for myself with my complete lack of self-confidence, but this whole experience with driving and working and doing things for myself reminds me a lot of when I was a kid in elementary school: I was in behaviorally challenged classes because I had some issues, and they would set me up on a system where certain behaviors bring about certain rewards, and when I did well I would be so proud of myself and I’d actually experience positive change. I guess I’ve just gotten so used to nothing ever happening in my life, as a result of my own lack of faith in myself and refusal to really try, that I’m not used to the feeling of ACCOMPLISHING things.

I even found myself being annoyed at the other seasonal/temporary employees, because I’ve heard at least two of them complaining about the job: “There’s nothing to DO… This is so BORING… I still have another THREE HOURS…” I honestly haven’t felt that way. I like it when it’s quiet and I’ve even become comfortable when it’s busy, and I usually find something to do to make myself useful, and when there’s not much going on, I don’t really have a problem with wandering around, straightening shelves and looking busy. Underneath all of my reticence, I do actually have a really good work ethic, I do want to be an asset to the store. If I keep trying to go above and beyond, or at very least being helpful, I feel like I’ll gain the manager’s and my co-workers’ respect, and definitely be able to stay on after the holidays.

So tomorrow is Black Friday, a.k.a. the day after Thanksgiving, a.k.a. the biggest shopping day of the year. Luckily I’m a closer, so I’m coming in at 2:00 in the afternoon and staying until we close the store for the night at 10:30PM. I’m told it’s pretty crazy, as I would expect it to be, but at least I’m not working the Midnight Madness shift, and one of the manager’s mentioned that we shouldn’t have lines around the store like we did last year because so many other stores are having Black Friday sales as well. We’ll see. I actually was dreading this day when I was first hired, but I’m honestly not too intimidated by it now.

Breaks/lunches are going to be a little different tomorrow, we all have to bring a dish of some sort to work, I’m going to try deviled eggs, since I’ve made those before and they’re not too difficult, and they’re Thanksgiving-y. Altogether, things are getting better for me. I still haven’t finished submitting all the information I need to submit to the college I’m planning on going to (which by the way, I found out is NOT a community college whatsoever, it’s a 4-year military school, but I still want to go, and I’m even toying with the idea of taking out student loans if I have to), but it’s going to happen.

My “romantic” (read: desperate sexual) experiences leading up to moving to Georgia and since being here have been, to quote Grace Adler: “a revolving door of loser after loser.” I’m actually really bothered by the idea that some of the guys I’ve had bad experiences with (one of whom got so attached to me that he was convinced he was in love with me and became suicidal when I broke it off with him before it even began) might be reading this blog. It honestly disturbs me a little bit.

I’ve always been very compassionate, but really, the last few guys I’ve been with have been losers. They’re human beings, and they’re not worthless, but they’re not people that are going to enhance me in any way, and I’m tired of handing myself over to people I’m completely not attracted to and who are pathetic, emotional messes. I need a good guy in my life with some sense of responsibility who has himself together and can show me some real, functional love. I’ve seen myself in some of the guys I’ve been with in Georgia, and it was fucking scary. I’m done dating losers and people I’m not attracted to, giving myself up to people and feeling unclean and hating myself afterward. It’s not that these guys I’ve been don’t have emotions that matter, but it’s just not my responsibility to be there for everyone and to handle every person’s shit. I’ve made some really, really shitty decisions about my life since I turned 18: in the last 3 years I’ve had sex with 10 people, and only one of those people did I really care about, and only a couple of those experiences were actually PLEASURABLE, much less meaningful.

I’m ready to get some good things going in my life. I’m ready to have the things I want and have friends and have a fucking LIFE. I’m done dreaming, I’m taking action now. I’ve started, and I’m not going back. Being a kid isn’t worth it, I much prefer being an adult.

Entertainment Things

Finally, Lady Gaga is giving us a better album cover for Born This Way. It’s the cover of a 3-disc compilation called Born This Way: The Collection, which compiles the 17-track version of Born This Way, a DVD of HBO’s The Monster Ball, and a new remix EP called Born This Way: The Remix, which features remixes of singles as well as album tracks. I will probably buy this, because this is the first time The Monster Ball is being officially released, but the thing that makes me the happiest is that I can finally get rid of that second disc of remixes from my deluxe edition of Born This Way, and more importantly, I can get rid of that awful motorcycle cover. I’ve always said that the photo on the back of the booklet, of Gaga in the gooey sort of afterbirth dress, should be the album cover, and now sure enough she’s giving us an even more fabulous gooey photo. I’m going to be honest, if this had been the cover of the album, I probably would have liked it more. Presentation is important; Lady Gaga of all people should know that. So here’s the cover! Change your iTunes album artwork with pride.

The only other entertainment news I have is that I have discovered Sam Sparro, who is known for his 2008 single Black and Gold, which has been covered by Adele, Ellie Goulding, and Katy Perry, but none of them compare to his original. Sam is a sexy Australian gay boy endowed with a set of vocal chords that make panties and undies alike drop, whose swag is turned up to the max and who is extremely sexy to boot; he’s a really talented singer and producer, and I highly suggest checking him out. Here’s a picture of mister hotness to persuade you.

Day-um.

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