What I didn’t mention in yesterday’s post is that I can already tell I’m not going to enjoy working at Five Guys. It’s not a terrible restaurant, but apart from it being crowded, hot and noisy, my coworker’s are mostly guys who don’t speak very good English and I feel awkward and when things get busy I kind of don’t know what to do to make myself useful, and besides I don’t want to work in a restaurant.
Luckily, I got a call from Pottery Barn today, and I have an interview there on Thursday. If would much prefer a job at Pottery Barn (surrounded by chatty young females, who as we all know get along fabulously with gay men) to where I work now, even after only one day of working there. I can just tell this Five Guys thing isn’t going to be something I’ll enjoy. I’m not giving up and throwing my job away and being a crybaby because I don’t want to do that, but I can honestly tell that I’m probably not going to really enjoy this job. We’ll see, though.
I haven’t been able to sleep since I went up the street to fill out my Five Guys paperwork on Thursday. Every morning I wake up early without having had a lot of sleep and struggle to keep myself calm enough to stay in bed for another few hours. I tried to take a nap two times the other day and I just kept having the same dreams and waking up unsettled (I dreamt that there were two more of me, as in there were three Jesse’s counting me, and each of the two was holding up a picture of me). Life feels tense and on-edge and I just feel scared and a little more grown-up than I used to be. I feel stronger, but I also feel less excitement or joy, and I’m probably more aware of how unhappy my situation is, living with my family.
Right now, the only thing that is making me feel any hope is this interview at Pottery Barn. Greasy burger restaurant that puts calluses on my hands, or Pottery Barn? I think the choice is obvious.
I hope things get better soon. The next big goal is to get my license; soon I’ll be working and driving, and maybe then I’ll finally feel like I can take care of myself. Already my lack of confidence in public is subsiding. Now if only I can find the strength to live my life.