#64: Begin to Hope

Today I laid in bed, exhausted, sad, and feeling so alone. I wanted to talk to someone, but I didn’t have it in me to call anyone. I couldn’t hold up a conversation. All I wanted was someone to put their arms around me and hold me close and whisper to me that they loved me. I don’t care how it sound, it’s all I want. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. Yet night after night, I am alone.

This blog has become a sad place, because I have become a sad person. I think that maybe I always have been. The earliest posts here are riddled with false optimism. I don’t believe in anything when I’m here, in this house. I need to be away from here, so that I can be alive. This house and these people just suck the energy out of me. “Some give blood, I give love.” Loving these people is the only way I can reclaim any power.

I want to live, surrounded by people smiling, and have friends whose laps I can lay my head on and take a nap. I want to lay in someone’s lap and have them absently pet my hair while they’re talking to everyone else in the room. We’re in a hotel room, following Tori Amos or Regina Spektor or someone who touches us on tour, going to every show and experiencing life.

I want to laugh again. I want to have friends and laugh with them. I want to enjoy living. I do not enjoy living here. Irresponsible as it is, I’m considering running away. It is conceivable that in the near future I might have a place to stay with someone Buffalo, NY. I could go if I really, really wanted to. I’d be on my own, no safety nets, no guarantee of food every day, but I’d be happy again, just like I was in South Carolina. I was right when I told my mother, “I’d rather be poor and happy than miserable and provided for.” Because I WAS poor and happy. I was very hungry. I was scared. But I was happy. And I want to go out into the world and be happy.

I can’t stay with my mother any longer. She will drain the life and the will out of me, she’s a vampire and that’s what she does. I have to go. I want to go. I just don’t know if, when the opportunity arrives, I can take it. But I’m legal. I can do everything for myself, if only I have the desire to do it. And you know what? I’m really thinking about doing it.

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