#63: Material Things

My CDs are gone. All of them.

80 to be exact, many of which are deluxe editions that contain DVDs, and a few of which are singles and EPs, so it’s a grand total of 99 discs. Every single CD I own, with the exception of four albums, were in a CD case that I left at my ex-boyfriend’s house in South Carolina when I moved back here to NC. He said he was going to mail them back to me, he still may at some point, but his behavior to me has shown that he isn’t, and I’ve accepted that I’m probably never getting them back.

My relationship ended badly. It didn’t begin in the best way either. His name’s Jimmy. I usually don’t use people’s names, but I’m using it because firstly, it’s easier to tell the story, and second, because I don’t care. I don’t use people’s names because it makes me seem like a middle school kid trying to start drama and gossip about people, but I think anyone who knows me should know that isn’t what this blog is about.

So, his name’s Jimmy. Just as a quick refresher, my mother kicked me out of my house in… say, February. I could easily just go back through this blog to find the date, but I’m pretty sure it was early in February, or late in January. At any rate, she kicked me out of the house, and I lived with two women who were married, and they let me stay with them. It was not a great situation, and there was tension between me and them, and I met Jimmy during the time I was living there, via dating website Plenty of Fish. He drove a couple hours to come see me, and we had a nice first date, even though I knew there was a problem instantly because we didn’t talk. I can tell when someone’s not the right person for me fairly quickly. The date was mostly silent. The most activity involved us making out, or things of that nature. We sat in a romantic restaurant, staring at each other across the table, and not saying much of anything at all. But he was nice to me, and he was attractive, and I wasn’t going to just give up instantly. Things did get rushed, however, when, at the end of our first date, he asked me to be his boyfriend. I reluctantly accepted, but because everything was new, I kept hope that things would go well. I think I knew inside that our relationship wasn’t going to work, but I gave it a chance anyway.

There was a long, dramatic story that I don’t really feel like going into, both because it’s a bunch of bullshit and because it’s not really very interesting. The women I was living with kicked me out because I got a job and they felt I wasn’t attempting to keep it. So, feeling that I was immature, and living off of them, they kicked me out, and Jimmy let me move in with him, in South Carolina. Well as you can imagine it was all very romantic, running away to a new city with someone you fancy. But with Jimmy at work every night, and me at home adjusting to not having any antidepressants anymore (insurance ran out at the beginning of the year), added to the fact that I wasn’t really doing all I could to find a job, it was all becoming very strained very fast. Jimmy and I had known one another for about a week and we were living together already.

To my credit, I did apply for jobs. I think I put in about 8 applications. That’s not nearly as many as I could have, but it is something.  I got two interviews and I didn’t get either job. We were running out of food, and money. We were getting really hungry. We were pretty much eating sandwiches until we ran out of bread and peanut butter, and then it was rice. Then it was salads he was bringing home from work. Food was sparse, and I had nowhere to go and nothing to do for the 8 hours he was at work, or the rest of the day for that matter.

The way that it ended was very confusing too. My mom offered to let me come home for a week to get my medical stuff in order, maybe go back to the doctor and try to get my medicine back, and when I told Jimmy this, he suggested that I go home for a month, the reason being that he’d just been given a position at BMW, and was about to start making a lot more money, but he wouldn’t get his first paycheck there for about 4 weeks. And then he asked me to move home permanently. Our relationship was in a very foggy area. We talked about it, and we both felt like we should break up, but neither of us wanted to. This is the state our relationship was in when I came home.

I went to an ex’s house and fooled around with him and another guy; they’d been asking me to have a threesome with them for a while. Jimmy knew this offer was on the table, and he knew that I wanted to do it, but of course I wasn’t going to do it because I was with him. But when I got home, our relationship was all but over. I was sad, and I wanted to be near someone. To my credit, I even backed out of the threesome before the actual sex began. I told Jimmy what had happened, and he flipped out on me and broke up with me. It was his right; I did, technically, cheat on him. He told me, though, that sending me home was a “test” to see if I would take up the offer for the threesome.

Bearing all of that in mind, I think that what really happened is that Jimmy wanted to break up, but he didn’t have the courage to do it. He couldn’t look me in the eye and tell me it was over, he had to trick me into doing something that would make ME the bad guy, and give him a pretext to break up with me and come out looking like the victim. At the very least, I was honest with him throughout the whole experience. I never lied to him, I told him everything. He chose to play mind games with me, and I think that his lack of honesty was worse than my indiscretion. But that’s all in the past now.

As it would happen, I forgot my CD case when I left. If you know me, or have read this blog, you’ll know that my music collection has been a huge point of pride for me, so losing my CDs is a big deal. I probably won’t start another collection. I may just go and download the music I’ve lost, and I may not. I may start a new collection at some point, but only digitally, I’m done with physical CDs. I spent a lot of my time worrying about what would happen if there were a fire or something, which is why I took it upon myself to gather them all into one case, but of course that presents an opportunity for them all to be lost at once.

I was very upset about losing my CDs. I’ve accepted it now. If Jimmy needs to keep my CDs to try and punish me for what happened, that’s his business. I’m not going to be affected by it anymore, and I’m not going to give him power over me. I’m going to move forward with my life. There are more things I could talk about, but I think I’m going to end here for today.

June 30, 2011

Got ’em back. Jimmy mailed them back and basically apologized for the way he’s treated me. I apologized too, as I’ve done numerous times already, but still, I’ve moved on from him. At least it didn’t end in the rage that was consuming me on the day I wrote this. Also, now I can go out and add Regina Spektor to my collection.

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