#56: At Last, my Sense Overrirdes my Nonexistant Sensibility.

Okay, so after two days of stressing, my senses returned to me.

The California plan was a bad idea.

Mostly because of the person I’d be going with. We got along very well at first, and I had my hopes up with him, but let’s face it, we’ve only known each other for two weeks, and he’s already telling me he loves me. I don’t even know if I’m ready for a relationship, much less one that goes way too fast. But it wasn’t that that blew it for me, it’s the fact that for the last two days he’s had this terrible attitude, like he’s mad at me and refuses to speak, so I just sit in silence trying to coax a conversation out of him. It reminds me of the old days with my last boyfriend, and I am not going through that again.

And then today, I asked him what his goals are. He has a condition in his back, you see, and it causes him a lot of pain, and keeps him from working, so he’s Disability. That’s okay, that doesn’t mean who you are a person dissapears. But according to what he told me today, he doesn’t want to get a job or go to school, and a back brace, which would help him do that, would just be “too much trouble” to put on and deal with every day.

Pitiful.

I mean, at least I can admit when I’m lazy. I haven’t done much, but I do still have aspirations. And I have both realistic aspirations and high-spirited dreams. I’d like to experience all that I can. It is not my intention to sit around living off the government for the rest of my life. This guy is in his mid-twenties, and he’s essentially given up on life. He went from being romantic, caring, and seemingly perfect, to well, not so much. But that’s the way it goes, isn’t it?

Going to California with him would be a colossal mistake. My mother was right about something: I haven’t explored all my options here. There’s supposedly a Gay and Lesbian Youth Center in Charlotte, and I’m hoping I can get a family friend to let me stay with him. On top of all this, Nathan’s new love-interest and I had a conversation on the phone today, and he seems delightful, I can easily see us being good friends. As it happens, he’s also very wealthy and has a house in Laguna Beach, California, where he’s basically invited me to come stay with him. This would be in July, however. If I can stay with the aforementioned family friend, I’ll have time not only to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for the move, but also to get a job and work for a few months and save up some money. Then once I get there I can start looking at schools.

I think this new plan of actions is a MUCH better idea. I knew I was making a mistake before, that’s why I was so nervous.

Life. It is just filled with surprises, isn’t it? Funny how finally leaving my mother’s home has caused all these wheels to start going into motion. The Universe is looking out for me, I think. Mwah, Universe, kisses from Jesse.

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