#55: Growing Up? Part 2

I’m terrified.

I haven’t posted anything about my life here in a bit. Well, things have gone crazy.

The tension between my mother and myself, which has been building for years, finally came to a boiling point, and while it wasn’t necessarily the worst we’ve ever fought, I was asked to leave and I finally have. I’m currently staying at Nathan (my ex-boyfriend and one of my best friends)’s house. I have exactly one cent in the bank. All of my posessions have been packed into two boxes, and my possessions are almost entirely comprised of CDs and books. I still have to sort through my four trash bags full of clothes, linens and such, and decide what’s going with me, and what I can cram into a duffle bag.

Because I’m moving. At first, it seemed likely that I would be moving to Asheville, NC, which is a couple of hours away, the gay mecha of North Carolina, home of hippies, spiritualists and the like, and I even have a very good friend there. That plan got derailed, and now I’m going to moving away from North Carolina. Very far. Exactly as far as one could go while on this continent, in fact.

California.

I’m petrified. A guy named Doug, a new friend and potential love interest, is doing the inconceivably wonderful deed of taking me with him to California, to live with one of his cousins. We leave at the first of the month, I’m going to meet him in Tennesse, and we’re going to ride on a bus 3 or 4 days to get to Apple Valley, California. Doug and I have gotten pretty close very quickly, and while he seems to be a bit on edge lately, I think things might go swimmingly between the two of us. In fact, I feel like this is the Universe finally giving me a way out of the way things have been, and that this is my one good chance at growing up and becoming an adult, without being in a dire situation.

On one level, I’m more excited than I’ve ever been. Just writing this is helping me to calm down some. Doug is a good guy, and while yes, we’ve known one another for two weeks, and yes, I’ve never met him in person, I’m not really worried about those things. In the case that we don’t work out romantically, there’s no reason we wouldn’t stay friends and roommates, and he’s told me that if I decided I wanted to come back to North Carolina, he’d let me stay with him until I get the money to come back home.

This is exactly the kind of adventure I’ve always wanted, but I’m terrified. It’s California, it’s a place where I can genuinely pursue being an artist. I intend to go to school, to have my own life, but I’m scared, and deeply sad.

I’m sad because I’m leaving Nathan. We broke up almost four months ago, but this means that I’m leaving him. Even broken up, we’ve only been 15 minutes up the road from one another. We’ve still remained friends and spent time together. We’ve even had a few booty calls. This means that I’m leaving everything from North Carolina behind, and the thing I regret leaving the most is my relationship with Nathan.

I haven’t moved on yet, not entirely. Nathan and I were together for nearly two years. You can’t forget about that overnight. Being here with him, I realize what I gave up, and I’m feeling so many emotions right now.

But as of now, I remain cautiously resolute. I’m going to California. I think the Goddess, or whoever is looking out for me, is handing me a golden oppurtunity to finally begin to LIVE my life. And I have to take it. If I don’t, my fate is to stay here in Charlotte and maybe try and find a temporary home and the gay and lesbian youth center, and try to go from there. While I admit that idea sounds very appealing in the face of a big move like this, I still think this is what I should do, I should go to California. After all, it makes for quite a story. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to end up homeless or dead because of it, and I suppose coming back is always a last resort, despite being an expensive one.

I don’t know that I’ll miss my mother, as much I’ll be uncomfortable not having her financial support. But that’ll be okay. As for my sister, I think out of the people in my family, she’ll be the one I miss. I would include my brother as well, but he’s been in Ohio for two years already.

Right now I’m just trying to find some way to climb of the depression that the anxiety of this situation is heaving on me. The plans as of now are thus: get packed, get my health insurance/medicine situation worked out, go to Tennesse and spend a few days with Doug before we leave on the first of February, that way I’ll get to meet him and spend some time with him before the move. And then, if all goes well, I’ll go to California. I’ll start my new life. I will be Jesse Colton. I’ll be the boy with a dream. I’ll make my own life.

Luckily, most of my friends are scattered across the country and live hundreds of miles away anyway. Most are on the east coast though. Where is Missouri? Is that anywhere near the east coast? Ah well, Zach’s somewhere, I’m sure I’ll meet him in person eventually.

But sticking to the point! I’ll finally have something to chronicle, and actually have something to journal about. Cross-country road to trip with my new beau? I smell a campy gay fiction novel already.

But in all seriousness: I’m terrified. In a way, I feel more alone than I ever have. But I also believe that maybe what I’ve been waiting for my whole life awaits me in California.

Maybe, it’s finally time for me to grow up.

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