This Little Masochist is Ready to Confess

I feel relieved.

I had a hard day yesterday.

After I posted the most recent post before this one, I spent some more time crying, and just generally being very down. I talked to my now ex-boyfriend on the phone, I told him how I love him, and how I miss him, and how I’ve been thinking about him a lot, ever since we broke up, and I asked if I could come see him. He drove to my house and picked me up, and when I got in the car I was immediately relieved to see him.

I also someone else when I got in the car. The boy he spent New Years Eve night with, the night about which I heard and burst into tears. My ex-boyfriend made him his wallpaper on his phone. He’s a very cute guy, the new love-interest. He had a candy cane in his mouth in the picture.

When we got to the house, we went into the bedroom and I threw my arms around Nathan and started crying again. He held me, and he was there for me, and I was very glad to be with him. We had a very good night, even with me crying constantly. I did eventually calm down a bit, felt a lot better, and we went to sleep.

The next day was still not so good. Maybe it’s because I’m a masochist, but I kept reading their text messages to each other when he wasn’t in the room. It was like a knife in my heart, but I just kept sneaking and reading every time they talked. And of course, I started crying again. And again. And again. I cried a lot. I don’t know if I’ve ever cried that much.

I think maybe he didn’t know what to do. Eventually he said he should take me home, and I almost agreed, but I didn’t want to be by myself. I was going to go to another friend’s house, but I finally calmed down a little, I think I cried myself out. All day I would be okay for like an hour and then start crying again, and go for like half an hour, and then calm down again, and then start again. But like I said, eventually I calmed down and was okay for most of the rest of the night. I cried one time before I went to sleep, but it was very light, and it was just because I was telling him how glad I was that he came and got me, and that no matter what happens, I want us to be a part of one another’s lives.

Today, I didn’t exactly feel a hundred times better, but something happened last night. I don’t know exactly what it was. He was texting the new boy, and said boy mentioned that he was playing Wii. Maybe it’s just that video games in general comfort me or something, but I suddenly had this image of he and Nathan together playing video games, and being in a good relationship, and being happy together. I don’t know why, but it comforted me. After that, I was mostly okay, as long as I didn’t think about the new guy.

So today, I came to a realization.

The reason why I was so upset was a combination of a couple things. After talking to a couple of my friends, they all agreed that it was very reasonable, and it wasn’t unusual that I should be so upset. Nathan, who is my ex, was dating a new guy. I just conveniently had forgotten about the fact that I already like said new guy. The new guy and I have never actually spoken, but I’ve known ABOUT him for a while. He’s mutual friends with a lot of people Nathan knows, and so I’ve seen him on Facebook plenty of times and looked at his pictures and I’ve always thought he was very pretty and seemed sweet. Well, now Nathan is talking with him, and of course they spent New Years together, and well… hearing about both my ex-boyfriend being with someone other than me, and hearing descriptions of the new boy (who I remind you, I myself like)’s body and other similar activities, it was like being hit with a double-whammy. Not only was my ex with a new person, but it was a person I already had a crush on.

Like I said, I don’t know this person he’s talking to well, I don’t even know if we’ve talked before. But I am familiar with him, I know of him, and then Nathan starts somewhat dating him, it’s reasonable that I would be jealous of BOTH of them.

So it was a combination of the fact that Nathan is moving on and being with someone other than me, and the fact that the person he was doing it with was someone I myself have a crush on. It was like a giant slap in the face. And it hit me like a ton of bricks, and it hurt, and I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore.

I feel better now. I’m still a little down, but once I finally admitted out loud that I LIKE the guy Nathan’s talking to myself, I felt so relieved, because it all made sense. Understanding WHY I was so upset makes me feel better, and like I can move forward now. It’s still a little bit of a soft spot for me, but I’ll be okay.


One thought on “This Little Masochist is Ready to Confess

  1. Everything will turn out okay. You were with the guy for a very long time. It’s okay to have these conflicting feelings. And sometimes it took me a long time to sort things out with my exes as well. I can relate.

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