So I’m having kind of a rough night tonight. I talked to Nathan. He’s met a new boy. A new boy who, for the record, I really like, and if I could hand-pick his next boyfriend, he’s the one I’d choose. They spent New Year’s together. I am, in all honesty, happy for him. I’m not lying, I am genuinely happy for them both. They seem to really care about him, they both find one another beautiful and I’m telling you, I heard it in Nathan’s voice last night, I know he really cares about him.
I thought I was prepared to handle the details.
Well apparently I wasn’t. Nathan… he just started telling me about everything that happened. Because I’m not going to go spreading anyone’s business around, I won’t get into the specifics, but suffice it to say I’m not ready to hear about Nathan’s sex life without me. I thought I could. I was very wrong.
I’ve basically been in tears for the last hour or so. I calmed down for a while when I was on the phone with one of my friends, but it all just came back to me when I started to talk about it again.
I’m sorry that I screwed up our relationship from the very beginning.
It’s all my fault.
I slept with him the first night we met. We weren’t ready for that.
I ruined it.
I ruined what could have been beautiful and successful.
Nathan is so beautiful. I love him so much. I really do.
I miss him.
And I love him, god damn it I fucking love him…
And it still hurts.
It still. fucking. hurts.
This is the only thing I can do. Pour my heart out, vent in some way.
As I always do.
As I always have.