#52: Stay With Me. Finish It.

So I’m having kind of a rough night tonight. I talked to Nathan. He’s met a new boy. A new boy who, for the record, I really like, and if I could hand-pick his next boyfriend, he’s the one I’d choose. They spent New Year’s together. I am, in all honesty, happy for him. I’m not lying, I am genuinely happy for them both. They seem to really care about him, they both find one another beautiful and I’m telling you, I heard it in Nathan’s voice last night, I know he really cares about him.

I thought I was prepared to handle the details.

Well apparently I wasn’t. Nathan… he just started telling me about everything that happened. Because I’m not going to go spreading anyone’s business around, I won’t get into the specifics, but suffice it to say I’m not ready to hear about Nathan’s sex life without me. I thought I could. I was very wrong.

I’ve basically been in tears for the last hour or so. I calmed down for a while when I was on the phone with one of my friends, but it all just came back to me when I started to talk about it again.

I just…

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I screwed up our relationship from the very beginning.

It’s all my fault.

I slept with him the first night we met. We weren’t ready for that.

I ruined it.

I ruined what could have been beautiful and successful.

Nathan is so beautiful. I love him so much. I really do.

I miss him.

And I love him, god damn it I fucking love him…

And it still hurts.

It still. fucking. hurts.

This is the only thing I can do. Pour my heart out, vent in some way.

Cry.

As I always do.

As I always have.

Always crying.

That’s me.

Advertisements

One thought on “#52: Stay With Me. Finish It.

  1. I understand that you’re upset. Everyone has relationship regrets. Goodness knows I’ve blogged about mine as well. I even understand the tears. But all I can say is that you really need to try not to keep beating yourself up over all of this.
    You’re going to grow as a person because of all of this, which is always a good thing. It may take time but it will get better. Besides, emo was SOOO 2004…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s