Life Goes On

I don’t know what to say.

A lot of things are clear to me now. One is that I started this blog so that I would remind myself of how intelligent, witty, and good I am. Because I started to realize that I need to love myself.

I don’t know what to say, but nearly a month has gone by and I haven’t recorded any update of my life here.

I started antidepressants. They’ve really helped. I’m not afraid to go out in public anymore. I am to a degree, but it’s manageable. I panic much less frequently, and when it does happen, the medicine fights it. Or my faith in the medicine fights it. I don’t know, or care.

I broke up with my boyfriend. It was never right. I knew it from the very beginning. We had sex the night we met, and from that moment on I was lying to him. Lying to him because I’d given him a very real part of myself without everything that comes before it. And we never built a relationship. What we had was based on sex, and silence. I don’t think I can say I never cared about him, but I always knew it was wrong. No amount of sugar coating made that any better. I had moments where I felt things were going well, but they were brief and infrequent. I just always knew it wasn’t right. He doesn’t challenge me. He doesn’t improve me. We’re not meant to be. I finally accepted this, and did what was best for myself. From his perspective, I’m a monster, and he can rightly feel that way, but I have to put myself first. I have to love myself with every fiber of who I am, and sacrifice nothing to be with someone. I’ll find the right guy.

And that’s it. That’s life. It continues. After two years of numbness and denial, it finally continues.


One thought on “Life Goes On

  1. Well, I love you! For serious. You can also talk about how awesome you are at gift giving, or that you’re learning to crochet…that’s new. Did I mention I love you?

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