I smelled autumn today. A faint scent, and a light breeze, but I know it’s coming. Tuesday will mark the end of summer and the beginning of the fall, a day I have been awaiting with no little impatience. Interestingly, that’s also the day Sara Bareilles’ new album, Kaleidoscope Heart, is released. Two blissful occassions at once.
But it gets better! I have a day of fun planned for tomorrow; a friend is coming down to spend the day with me, and we have all sorts of fun activities planned! He’s bringing down his Wii, and we’ll be playing Smash Bros, Sonic, and anything else we can find. He’s also bringing his old Magic: The Gathering and Yu-Gi-Oh cards; he’s generously giving me all of his Magic cards, and I’m going to try and see if I can’t get him to let me make a deck of his Yu-Gi-Oh cards to keep. Next on the agenda is food! He’s a vegetarian, and works in a grocery store on a family-owned farm, so he’s bringing some all-natural milk, basically, straight from the cow’s utter without any preservatives added. Supposedly it tastes a thousand times better, is really healthy for you, and trumps lactose intolerance, which I have a bit of. Sounds like a win-win to me. I’m also going to get to try tofu for the first time! I’m really excited about it, my mouth is watering, I’ve had tofu only once, it was in sushi at a Chinese buffet, and I liked the tofu sushi so much that I was just popping them without any dressing, no ginger or wasabi or soy sauce or anything.
We’re also going to meditate and try some spiritual exercises! We’ve done a guided meditation over the phone, and apparently I did very well for my first time; he thinks I might have a real gift with spiritual energy. It’s really exciting. He’s a Reiki healer (he doesn’t like to use the term “master” just yet), and if we can get a quiet enough environment and some interrupted time, we might do a Reiki session, which basically, from what I understand, is just a way of laying hands on someone and giving them positive energy, which will then manifest itself in someone’s body, mind, and spirit or soul, and do whatever good needs to be done in that person’s life.
Actually, since I’ve met said friend, I’ve learned a lot about spirituality, the new age movement, and a lot of ancient and modern religions. After living a life of unfulfilled spiritual need in the world of modern conservative Christianity, the realization that there simply are spiritual entities and others planes of existance isn’t frightening or dark, it’s freeing and it’s honestly lifted a huge weight from my shoulders and made me feel so happy. I think that a lot of good things have come from my two-month bout with depression and anxiety, and my new sense of spirituality is definitely one of them.
I’ve found an appreciation of my own strength, along with an appreciation that I have the ability and oppurtunity to be out in public, enjoying the outside world and the company of others, and a newfound love of cooking (which I have to say, after eating my mother’s cooking my whole life, I find to be quite impressive), not to mention my piano abilites have gotten exponentially better, I’ve started writing again, being creative in general, broadening my whole scope of everything, from expanding my taste in music and enjoying some music that I haven’t heard in a while, and actually reading some classic literature and truly enjoying it, to rediscovering video games I haven’t played in a long time, and finally coming to a place where all my interests coexist instead of fighting for dominance. Not to mention I feel like I’m in better physical shape, I actually have medication for my acid reflux now and my acne (which thankfully is beginning to subside on it’s own as well), and my mom found a cup filled with missing items out in the garage: all of my missing Game Boy Advance games (along with my sisters), and the lense to my glasses that was previously lost without a trace! Now if I can get my frames welded, I can pop the lense back in and have my glasses back! You have no idea what it’s like to see for the first time in almost a year, everything finally has detail and full color again.
So, as you can tell, things seem to be looking up for me. I’ve been out more; when I find myself panicking, I honestly can calm myself down, and things that used to make me fear what I thought was an unstoppable imminent panic attack aren’t affecting me the same way anymore. My mom even renewed our memberships to the YMCA, so maybe soon I’ll be working out, and getting to peek at sexy boys in the locker rooms (which let’s be honest is the only real reason I would go to the YMCA. I’m starting to think the sexy naked guys in the locker room are hired by the company just to attract more people to come and get in shape).
Thanks to everyone who’s been praying for me, sending me positive energy, and being on my side. Please don’t stop, it’s making a real difference in my life, I’m finally starting to feel alive again, it’s like making it out of a nightmare I don’t ever want to go back into again.
On another note, I’ve been toying with the idea of making a tumblr. Tumblr, if you don’t know (because I didn’t until earlier this year), is kind of like a compromise between, say, WordPress and Twitter. The format is like Twitter, because you post your thoughts, usually along with a photo, and you can make posts as long as you want, essentially making it a blog site, but in general posts seem to be quicker. Here on my blog, I like to present you with intelligent, well-thought out and hopefully well-written material that resonates in some way or at very least is written with some effort, so in that respect I’m not sure about Tumblr, but on the other hand, I would like to be able to take pictures of interesting things I found when I’m out or that I’m doing and put down a few quick thoughts on it. If I did something like that here I’d feel obligated to write more, and make a fuller, more fulfilling post for us both. So if I can find myself a working camera to be at my disposal, I might start a Tumblr, where I just write whatever’s on my mind at the moment, give a thought or a picture, and be on my way. Somehow, I have the feeling I would say a lot of sexual things, though. Maybe post a picture of a sexy redheaded boy and then extemporize about my insatiable lust for them?
I’ve been going a little CD crazy lately, in that I’ve been determined to buy a few, but haven’t actually spent any of my own money on one yet. A couple of weeks ago I got Kesha’s album, but shamefully, my sister bought it for me. She had the money to spare! Stop judging me. Anyway, the list of CD’s I actually want to buy just keeps getting bigger: The Remix by Lady Gaga, Teenage Dream by Katy Perry, Flavors of Entanglement by Alanis Morissette, Far by Regina Spektor (after some deliberation, I decided I want to buy Far first, Songs or Begin to Hope next), and the upcoming Kaleidoscope Heart by Sara Bareilles and Tiger Suit by KT Tunstall. I’ve also been listening to a song called Sprout and the Bean by Joanna Newsom, it’s the first time I’ve ever been completely impressed by a harp, it’s really beautiful. The only thing about Joanna Newsom is that her singing voice is a little odd, I don’t know if I quite understand what direction she’s going for, at times her voice has a very old American sound to it, and her music is somewhat folk, but she unfortunately has had to deal with a lot of comments that her singing is childish. I’ve only heard very little of her other music, Sprout and the Bean is the only song I really like so far, but she’s at least very insteresting.
My final note is that I came across an old strategy guide for Pokemon Gold and Silver, and it’s really making me want to play the game. Since Pokemon Leaf Green is one of the Game Boy Advance games that turned up last week (it wasn’t actually mine, but it ended up at our house), I might start playing that again soon, but if I’m really desperate for Gold and Silver I could just play them on an emulator or try and get one of the new remade versions for Nintendo DS. I’ve actually been interested in playing Metroid Prime again recently too, so it looks like Nintendo is making it’s way back into my gaming life.
Nintendo, Magic: The Gathering, new music, new literature, and visits with friends? The universe is looking out for me, I’m finally starting to feel happy for the first time in a long time. Of course I’m never in complete misery, I always have the love of my boyfriend, whom I absolutely cherish, and I’ve been feeling closer to him lately (even though we’ve been bickering a bit over the last few days). I’m a lucky person, I’m grateful for my blessings, and I hope whoever is looking out for me continues to, and that soon I can start getting my big accomplishments acheived: job, school, and transportation.