I sit here, in my boyfriend’s room, finally posting something for the first time in about a week. Many things are on my mind. I am convinced I’m bipolar to some small degreee, I have long periods of depression with tiny 5-second bursts of elation peppered in throughout them. Those little burts of joy are the one thing keeping me going at this moment.
I am a person blessed with many things. I have the luxury to spend my time thinking about books, music, and entertainment, instead of working. I have a boyfriend who works and plans for his future while I do neither, and who yet still loves me, and with a cautionary warning that my complacency on the state of my own life can only last so long in our relationship, encourages me to do better.
I have many more friends than I ever expected I would. Friends who understand the way I think, friends who share my interests, friends who loathe my taste in music at times, friends who help me to believe in myself, at least one friend who provides me with constant, heartfelt encouragement. I have a free place to live, and I spend my time between my mother’s house and my boyfriend’s house.
But there is a price. Because I have spent so long working on nothing, not my education, not my future, not a job, or a license, I’ve become afflicted with weakness of the body and spirit. Both are at times active, youthful, and energetic, but still I find myself afraid to walk out in public, and now, afraid even to speak to my own mother, who just two days ago attacked my emotions so harshly that I actually fell into her arms crying and hyperventalating.
I feel at the end of my rope. I’m scared. I’m appealing to any and all dieties in the universe for guidance, for joy, for hope. I have so many blessings, and yet I take them for granted, and because of that, I don’t enjoy the full benefit of them. I want to do well, but sometimes I find myself so frightened to take the first step. I have come a long way in two months, my outlook on the world is a different one, and I’m beginning to see things in the broad scope of the past and future, not in the narrow outlook of my small world, within the walls of my bedroom, within the confines of my books and my CDs and computers.
Today, I had a chance to go out. Nothing serious, just go out. Go to the store and window shop, because I ubiquitously cannot find my wallet. I didn’t take it. I gave in to the panic and the fear. I’m afraid. I’m afraid and somtimes it’s better, and sometimes I don’t know what to think. I feel calm, my limbs don’t hurt all day the way they used to, and I feel like some things might be close to fruition. I have found strength and guidance, and along with it, fear and doubt.
20 years is a long time to be a child.
I sincerely hope I can grow, and that I can prosper, and that I can begin soon.
Pray for me. Whatever gives you positive energy, send it my way. I need belief. I need someone to have faith in me. I’m trying to find some for myself.