#35: I’m Getting Out There! World, Here I Come!

I am just never happy with the way the blog is going. That’s a big aspect of my personality: jumping from one extreme to another. Anyway, it’s high time I just did one talking about my life. Which is appropriate, because it’s getting kind of exciting.

I have spent my whole life living like a child. I’ve grown up a lot, and matured, but I still live like a teenager. I live between my mom’s house and my boyfriend’s house, I spent days at a time with him, and the rest of the time here with my mother. I don’t pay anyone rent, and I don’t have a job other than helping my mom with her job and watching my sister, for which I’m currently getting 20 dollars a week. I’m 20 years old! So, for the last couple of months, things have been kind of sucky for me. I just plunged into this anxiety-filled state of mind, I wouldn’t call it a complete depression, but it was really hard.

I think I’ve come to realize that the only way to really heal myself of this anxiety is to start living my life. I’ve been afriad for months now about going out into the world, getting my license and driving, and getting a job. Well now I’m done being afraid. Yesterday I just felt so useless, in this house where I live, and feeling like I’ve accomplished nothing. Today, I’ve spent the day fluctuating between periods of depression, during which I just tell myself “It’s okay, I’m depressed, but I’m not stopping, I’m going to live my life.” and periods of excitement where I think about how I might soon have my life in my own hands.

So here are my goals: I want to have my license, and a car to drive. Tomorrow morning, I’m going to get my driving permit renewed, so I can have some practice and then take my driving test again. As for a vehicle, we literally have a total of 5 vehicles between everyone in this house, and two of which could possibly become mine. So that shouldn’t be a huge issue. Driving is what I want to focus on first, but eventually I need a job, and I need college. As much as I might like online college, I feel like it’d be a cop-out if I did that, because it’d be an excuse to ignore the public. If I can overcome my fear of being in public, which I will not allow to rule my life, then maybe I’ll consider it. But first, before anything else, is license. That’s a simple goal, and the more of I accept the fear of getting a job and going to school, the more excited I become about them. Also, I’m feeling very physically active, and the more I work out and do things, the less afraid I am of aches and pains, and honestly the less I have them. So things are getting a lot better.

I’m tired of this blog being a place where I sarcastically discuss “news,” which is just whatever I’m interested in that has to do with musicians. So, I’m being informal, because I can. It’s the only way this blog can continue.

So, I did something I thought I’d never do. I started listening to Kesha. Gasp! Back at the beginning of the year, I seriously considered buying her album, because despite myself I’ve always liked Tik Tok, and I downloaded her album maybe a couple months ago, but I haven’t listened to it much. I’m kind of hooked on it. It’s been a while since I’ve listened to a pop album, it’s refreshing to hear something that’s pleasing and isn’t too challenging. I mean, Tori Amos and Imogen Heap are fine and all, but you have to get so invested in the music to listen to it. Well, I do. Someone once told me that when it comes to listening to alternative music, I’m jaded by the very pop culture I despise. That’s somewhat true. I like a good pop hook, and even if it isn’t pushing the envelope entirely, it still feels solid. It’s like how a lot of electric guitar makes feel like an album has a solid background. Pop sounds and guitar riffs and even solid piano pieces give an album a good canvas on which to paint.

Oh Sara, just as cocky as when we left you.

Piano albums? That brings me right into my next artist into today’s music chat. You probably remember Sara Bareilles from her top 10 hit Love Song back in 2008, which I used to violently jam out to. It’s one of those songs that just makes me feel happy. Well, it did, until I heard it ten thousand times. Now it’s just kind of annoying to me. I got her album, Little Voice, about a year ago, and that album, along with Lady Gaga’s debut, The Fame, were my summer listening music for ’09. After hearing both of those for long enough, I got seriously burnt out on them, and though Sara Bareilles has a style that I liked a lot upon first listen, I soon found it constraining and uninspiring, but this I attribute to the fact that I wasn’t doing much with my life at that time, and having a hard time composing new music. After having some time away from the album, I’ve looked back at it and it makes me remember those times with joy, and I’m appreciating it more than when I was just listening to get my money’s worth. So, I’m not sure how I feel about Little Voice, but Sara’s new album, Kaleidoscope Heart, has been finished and will be released early in September, so I’m looking forward to that, and I plan on picking up a copy. Her new single, King of Anything, is pretty interesting, and her second album sounds fun, like she dressed up the songs a little more rather than just keeping the meat and not doing much else.

There are a couple of other albums coming out soon, too. KT Tunstall, who reached fame in America with her singles Black Horse and the Cherry Tree, as well as Suddenly I See (at least these are the two I remember hearing on the radio), has a new album coming out in October, called Tiger Suit. I don’t know what a Tiger Suit is, but I’m willing to pick it up and see if I like it. I didn’t really dig her album Eye to the Telescope too much, it was just a little too slow for me, but I’ve heard a single from this new album and I’m hoping things have gotten more fast-paced. Acoustic guitar is not generally my favorite instrument to played completely by itself, and an album of mostly slow acoustic guitar songs doesn’t do much for me, so I may pick this album up.

Finally, Katy Perry’s second album, Teenage Dream, will be out in September. I know I’ve been pretty hard on Katy Perry, but her first album, One of the Boys, wasn’t too bad. It made me think she had a brain, as oppose to her newer hit single California Gurls (and her behavior in at least one interview I’ve seen), and while I’m so far not very impressed with her new material, I’m going to at least give the album a chance.

Of course, all of these things are albums I MAY get. I find it very entertaining to pretend I’m spending money, and just plan out all the CDs I’d like to buy.

I’d also like to have A Fine Frenzy’s first album, One Cell in the Sea. It’s so nicely packaged, and it would go well on my shelf next to the second album. The same thing kind of goes for Evanescence’s second album, The Open Door. On both of these accounts, I’ve heard the albums extensively, but I’ve never actually owned them. They also both happen to be packaged in paperback cases, which is always visually appealing.

Sorry, I’m getting distracted. There’s a documentary on the History Channel called The History of Sex. I mean, come on, how can I ignore that? And by the way, I never knew that the Epic of Gilgamesh involved sex! You learn something new every day.

Where was I? Oh yes, CDs. I honestly haven’t spent a cent on CDs, or on anything, I’ve saved everything for two weeks, I haven’t even bought any more of Imogen Heap’s charity improvisations. I just don’t have the money for any of it right now, and I tend to waste money on CDs.

This entry is getting a little lazy. Well, I’m tired. Oh, I’ve also learned that I get to go alone tomorrow to the DMV. While this at first scared me, I’m actually really excited about it now. The chance to conquer fear, to experience being out there, alone, strong, in public, perfectly fine. I will of course be bringing my Jane Austen novel. Pride and Prejudice has an odd calming effect on me, I actually forget about my situation and read, which doesn’t happen often with books.

I don't need to get drunk, she's intoxicated enough for the two of us.

I really am wanting that Kesha CD though. It also reminds me of earlier in the year, when me and my boyfriend went on a nice trip to Virginia, during which I decided I liked Tik Tok, and shortly thereafter considered buying the CD. My mind salivates for it now… well, sort of.

So, wish me luck on my trip out into the world tomorrow. I’m going to shower and brush my teeth, and soon thereafter get into bed. I’m finally tired at decent hours, it’s a miracle.

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One thought on “#35: I’m Getting Out There! World, Here I Come!

  1. I’m a huge fan of figuring out what makes your life worth it, and focusing your energy on things that matter. So I’m all for your new plan.
    I’m not a fan of Kesha. I’m not a fan of a lot of newer music. I do like A Fine Frenzy though. I do sometimes wish that my life had a soundtrack, or at least a theme song. Or that people would randomly burst into choreographed song and dance when I walk down the street. That would be pretty fucking awesome.
    I watched an episode of the history of sex once. The topic was polyamorous relationships, (which is similar to an open relationship, but more intense) it was intriguing but nothing I would ever do. I’m a fan of monogamy or an open relationship if everyone is in agreement, but mostly monogamy.

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