#9: Let’s All Loosen Up A Bit, Shall We?

So, I’ve decided that while it’s important to be focused… maybe it isn’t. The tone of this blog has been very stuctured and businesslike, and not much fun, but I’m proud of myself for keeping up with something for a good length of time. So, from now on, this blog is to be a lot more fun, I’m going to try and be myself more, happier, crazier, and more interesting to read. And there will be pictures, media, all of those fun things.

So, how are you today?

I got a new book at the bookstore! I was torn between four, but I settled on one book, two DVD’s, and a bookmark. The book is called The Looking Glass Wars by Frank Beddor, and it’s a more realistic, and decidedly darker, look at Wonderland. So far I’ve only read the prologue and a bit of the first chapter, but the illustrations are great and so far it seems very interesting. It’s also perfectly formatted, it’s the same size as the original publishing of Wicked, which is my favorite size book. Of course, any larger paperbacks are my favorite sized books. The paperback version of Memoirs of a Geisha with the original cover art is wonderfully formatted, and I almost bought it, but the current version I have is the smaller movie-art version, and I got it from the thrift store, so I have no quams about taking a highlighter to the words I like (and I may highlight the sections I like too, I hadn’t even thought of that. I’ve a friend who does that.), bending the pages, taking the book to the bathroom with me, (oh don’t get all pooey, you do it too! No pun intended), etc. etc.

So I’m feeling wonderful tonight, and feeling wonderful is a wonderful thing. I’m just very happy about my relationship, and I’m loving my new house so much, it’s really improved my life by about three million percent. I couldn’t have imagined moving to a new house would give me a completely new life! It’s so comfortable here and I just feel so new and better, and older. I’m just doing really good, and I’ve also began to understand faith again. I caught a moment of an infomertial last night, and someone was talking about how  they prayed for something they needed, and the next day an infomercial or commercial for whatever was being advertised came on. And it just gave me this wonderful image of God being right there and listening, and immediately getting to work on something you pray for. It’s really beautiful.

I’d also like to address something right now. I hope to one day be famous, be it as a writer or a musician or anything that I may be, and I want this blog to be honest for anyone who chooses to go back and read through these entries. But I don’t want to alienate anyone. My feelings on Christianity as an organized religion are mixed. I just don’t feel that as a Christian I’m ready for an environment like church, or that I ever will be. Believing in God, loving Jesus and trusting him, these are things that are personal. For me, they’re between me and him. And everyone in this world has the right to believe whatever they choose to believe, regardless of what politicians or especially extremist crazy people would have you think. So, if in the future someone who is fan of my album, or my novel, or what-have-you, who finds me to a personal help to them or an inspiration, comes through my blog entries and sees me talking about God, I don’t want them to feel alienated. I don’t want them to think, “Oh, I thought this was a person who understood my feelings, I thought this was a person who had things to say about the world and about life, but really they’re just another Bible-thumping robot.” I want that person to know that I’m not, and that I would never ever expect anyone to believe or do anything just because I do it or because anyone else does it. I’ve come to the realization that the religion of Christianity, well, it doesn’t really exist. Because your own personal feelings and beliefs, those are the only things that are real. Religion is an evil thing that should be done away with. Churches are corrupt because they are led by human beings, and human beings, when exposed to any amount of power, are corrupted by it. No, believing in someone who hears you when you cry, that’s real. That’s true. Life is much more complex than pastors would have you believe. Right and wrong are not so simple to determine when a soldier is in on a battlefield in the midst of a war, ordered to take the lives of people he’s never known. Right and wrong for that soldier change, and he sees that the struggle isn’t between right and wrong, but between idealism and humanity.

On a little aside, I would like to make it perfectly clear that I love and appreciate soldiers, I think they are perhaps the most honorable people in the world, deserving of our respect and love. No, it’s war I have quams with, but soldiers I respect and cherish.

What I’m trying to say is that I could keep details of my relationship with God out of my blog, in the interest of not alienating anyone who may read it, but I want to be honest, and God is a part of my life, and sometimes I forget how important he is. And I think that a lot of people who claim to be Christians forget that a relationship with God is an actual relationship, and not a series of robotic formulas and prayers that get people into Heaven. I know from experience that praying from the mind and praying from the heart are two seperate things with two completely different outcomes. My advice to anyone who follows any god, pray with all your heart, believe with all your heart, love with all your heart, and never be afraid of yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, or your desires. Wrestle with them, listen to them, contest them, undersand them, appreciate them, accept those that are worthy of you and try as hard as you can to fight those that drag you down and away from the people who love you.

🙂

I have good news! I have finally enrolled in college! Well, sort of. My mom and I stopped by and asked about enrollment, the person in the office said my transcripts were still on file, so all I had to do was go and fill out some information on an electronic form, and she set me up to take my Math placement test soon, and after that will be orientation, where I’ll find out about everything else I need to know. So, the ball is rolling, and life is progressing, after two years of important break from school. In the past two years, I’ve come to understand love, and to understand what it’s like to be in a real relationship. I feel like I messed up a lot last year, and I didn’t treat my boyfriend the way I should have, and even more importantly I didn’t treat myself the way I should have. I’ve learned from my experiences, and I intend to do an infinitely better job this year and in all the years to come. I’m trying to get over many of the things about myself that weigh me down, and I must say, really understanding all of my blessings has given me such an amzing outlook on life. I’m so glad for realizations of how good my life is. I really understand how important it is to be appreciative and to have faith.

Well, it’s 1:00 AM, and I’d like to play some of my new game (Star Wars Galactic Battlegrounds, it is almost exactly Age of Empires II: The Age of Kings, only it involves Star Wars characters, plotlines, themes, etc.) before going to bed at what I hope will be a decent hour.

Love yourself, it’s the best thing you can ever do.

“Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” — Confucious

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